stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Thu, February 12, 2015 16:19:27
horrors we experience in our childhood are with us forever. We can try
to banish or ignore or exorcise them with therapy, love, drink and drugs
but we know they will always be lurking, deep down waiting. Waiting for
that moment you let the wall crack and then the darkness floods back in
rendering you a terrified tot all over again. Your past traps you in a
living nightmare that doesn’t let you wake.
Well that’s the way I feel about 70’s and 80’s comedians any way. They
were fucking petrifying. Why did they have so much skin on them? The
excess of outer membrane folding over and into each other. Some with
sunken eyes full of somber carnage, some with bulging eyes that stare
into the gloom of men’s souls. Deep black bags of sleepless nights and
heavy secrets hung under their violating peepers and lines on their
faces that were stomped in by seeing too much cruelty on ‘the circuit’.
These comedy nightmares chase me down and tell me mother-in-law jokes
while gaggling their suggestive laughs down my throat, all the while
pulling gurning faces and biting me with a bird shaped sock. Oh the
terror they inflict.
Still better than that cunt Russell Howard though eh
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, February 09, 2015 15:09:10
Artist friends, pack up your shit and go the fuck home.
Soon the talentless sweaty public will be able to strap some tech to their hand and draw circles around you. Or draw whatever they want actually. Draw like the masters through technology.
Well at least this way I will be able to rip off Kevin Maguire with a better degree of accuracy.
I am firmly behind this new technology and want to help the public have a better immersive artistic experience. As such I’m creating an app that when downloaded into your brainbox you will recreate the psychological traits that come with the years of dedication to honing your craft. Psychological traits included in the app are:- massive self-hatred and self-pity for your lack of talent, crippling envy of other artists that comes with constant self-enforced masochistic comparisons, fear and worry about where your next paying gig will come from, night terrors about wasting your life pursuing an unattainable dream, it will make you an insomniac that questions just exactly who you are without a pencil in your hand and whether you should give up on any artistic progression to try to be a middle manager at an insurance company.
Other add ons include the ‘spit at your wrists’ app that invoke such loathing at your own terrible work that you ‘spit at your wrists’ for not harbouring the right amount of talent in them, the ‘weep/wank drawing board’ experience app where you draw the same thing for 8 hours making it slightly worse every time, yet you are unable to see why, then the app just starts you masturbating roughly while crying onto your light box.
Available this Christmas.
And to think I took the hard way and sold my soul for this mediocre talent.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Wed, February 26, 2014 12:34:44
So I’ve been going to comic cons for almost 20 years. Oh cheese
and rice, do I feel like an ancient geek after writing that. But the comic
convention in Cardiff this Saturday March 1st will be the first time
I have tried to shill my wears.
It’s an odd feeling as I have always had a schizophrenic
relationship with small press. The good thing about small press is that anyone
can produce a self published comic. The bad thing about small press is anyone
can produce a self published comic. There is no quality control. Nor should
there be. I can genuinely say at the monument I look forward to a small press
comic more than anything from DC or Marvel. (That’s Lou Scannon by the way. Stiffs
and The Pride are also top quality and among my small press buy list. Check ‘em
I was part of a fanzine type of thing way back pre internet.
My then girlfriend used to call it wanking in public. Which is exactly what
vanity publishing is I suppose. So come along Saturday to the motor-point arena
and see a room full of people try to sell you their wank mags.
As well as my ‘Good Guys’ comic I will also be hocking this
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Tue, February 18, 2014 15:17:41
well lets see if this works shall we. hold your nose and blow.
i've just shit.