comic issues

Sick Nostalgiastuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:26:49

The end of term party in junior school was sullied when the fat kid ate all the ham sandwiches that were meant to be for the whole class. Greed made him force them down, physiology forced them back up. I cannot explain what force gripped him to commence his next action. As The half chewed, slightly digested mess covered the floor he began to pick the pieces of ham out of his sick and eat them again.

In the late 1980s, Carter USM was quoted as saying ‘pop culture will eat itself’. Now we must update and amend by saying ‘Pop culture will eat itself, throw up, then eat its own sick.’

And thats my review of The film ‘Ready Player One’

Its a Fat kid eating his own vomit.Blog image

MARTY!stuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:24:58

It’s not a fucking Gilet, it’s a fucking body warmer. You live in a council house, not in 19th century France.

Ballsstuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:22:55

Watching football to me is very much like watching a gay gang bang. I recognise and appreciate the physical exertion, I am happy for the shared joy of all involved but I have no wish to see it progress, hear about the outcome or have Gary Liniker disect the play from a studio after.

I’m off for a long rough friction handshandy off a ladyboy until football season is over.Blog image

lying devilstuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:18:43

In my quest to fulfil my narcissistic needs I have taken to chaos/pop magic. Basically I have tried to summon Elvis and the Scorpion Gods (best name for a band there is if anyone wants it) to lavish my life with the luxuries I think I deserve. Its not going great. But I do get to invoke them by the power of wanking, so it’s a belief system and a hobby (hey, and you can drop your snooty attitude too, praying to a 2000 year old buoyant, party catering superhero is just as fucking stupid).

On my readings I came across (literally) a baddie named Ahriman- he who lives upon lies; he is a spirit of untruth, the ‘Father of lies’. He’s like Satan, supersized. He wants us all to concentrate our energies in ‘the real’ world where bills and toothache and plastic shapes rule. He’s trying to stop us connecting to that one great consciousness, he wants us all to ignore the truth that ‘god’ is us and we can chose what reality is if we just see each other on a spiritual level for the divine deities we all are. Yeah he hates us doing that. He’s a bit of a prick really. But to counter that he does say, stop thinking too deep about weird crap, have an ice-cream and watch wrestling. And it is Friday so fuck it, I’m getting a Cornetto and watching SmackdownBlog image

Suicide is painlessstuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:16:03

Doing sequential art sessions with teenage delinquents always went the same way. Using comic books and sketching with them to try to get them interested in drawing, narrative and storytelling could only hold them for so long before they inevitably asked me to ‘draw a ganja leaf, bruv.’

It was an inescapable fate. Showing the little scumbags some of the greatest art work on the planet (and my own) was just not cool enough for the 14 year old shoplifting gangbanging goonies.

Being a narcissist and artist, of course I would draw the ganja leaf for them.

As an artist I only live for approval and praise from others. And I got more ‘that’s proper, bruv’ s by doing a 30 second sketch than I did from showing them my entire portfolio (justifiably most would say).

Basically, talent, dedication, storytelling, beauty and striving to create something worthwhile was secondary to a shitty half remembered teen-rebellious 'sick' doodle.

And that’s what the Suicide Squad motion picture reminded me of.

Now I liked the film. It was fun, and colourful and fast and explosion-y. It was popcorn pretty. Very hard to hate anything in it. Go See it. I recommend it. Genuinely.

It just felt like it was pitched to a group of teenagers in grey tracksuit trousers and then changed to fit their feedback.

A film that worked along the lines of ‘and then this happens and then this happened and then this happens and then this happens.’ When writing for the teenage wasteland you apparently have to lose the subtlety. And apparently the original Joker design was a bit too restrained. His bleached skin, green hair, purple suit and psychopathic murderous actions aren't enough to convey to the audience his utter depraved madness. Yeah, his original comic book look was a bit wacky but young movie audiences need the wackiness spelled out on the characters face. Literally. Having a tattoo that says ‘im fucking crazy’ on his forehead or something equally as overtly lazy is what the audience now need.

It does seem like I’m moaning about this movie but I’m not. Genuine. I liked it. It was lazy but so am I. I’m sat here with no pants on, covered in my own shit and semen as I couldn’t be bothered to find my trousers, wank rag (brutalised sock) or wipe before I left the house. The other people in the Library seem like they cant be arsed to make a fuss about it so its of no matter. See we are all lazy.

The makers of Suicide Squad knew we are lazy and knew we didn’t need to see an entire film, just one scene repeated over and over.

Here is that scene

Rick Flag:-
- ‘I hate you all. You are a load of rubbish. But also the government is a bit poo. You guys are ok.’

Deadshot:-
- ‘I’m Will Smith from some of my serious movies but I’m also Will Smith from some of my funny movies to, so I will be delivering lines in two half’s. A serious tough guy dark line with a joke at the end. Think, Bagger Vance of Bel-Air. Also I’m not going to wear this mask, yes I know it’s the only thing that makes this character design interesting but I’m Will Smiths so here is my Will Smith face. Serious Tough guy line, levity. Also relate to me as I have a nice kid in this and as we all know spunking out a baby makes you a great person. There is no such thing as a shitty parent. Grim line, flippancy.’

Harley Quinn:-
- ‘My personality is of a highly sexed 8 year old that you want to fuck. Also something about Mr J. Wacky talk. Sexy talk. Mr J again. Wanna see my arsehole? ‘

Captain Boomarang:-
- ‘Gooday mate, I’m the comedy foil. Wanna see me throw a boomerang? Neither did the production company, so I only threw 3. I really want to get away. I’m off. Back now, for no reason.’

Killer Croc:-
- ‘And I’m a crocodile.’

Gun play. Big explosion. Repeat scene until you fill 2 hours. Bigger explosion. The end.

That’s basically it.

I liked it. Genuine. I really did. Genuine. I’m not kidding. I don’t know how I can make my typing sound less sarcastic in your head.

I enjoyed the Suicide Squad film.Blog image

Bark at Januarystuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:13:19

January gets a bad rap. It’s the most hated month. Bad weather, back to work, dark days and darker nights. But think of it this way. January didn’t put your dog down. You did that. You killed your dog.
See, now January doesn’t seem as bad. No need to thank me.
Your dog is dead.
Dog killer.Blog image

Devilish laughstuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:11:03

I’m all about synchronicity. Heard something interesting today which turns out is very timely.

Your first laugh comes from playing peekaboo. It’s been theorised that as a baby your biggest fear is having your mother, which is your god, abandon you. Babies cry in the absence of god and are comforted in their return. In peekaboo the mother hides their face, causing an involuntary response of shock/horror in the babies mind. Her face has gone from sight but reappears with a smile and a funny noise. The baby has been reassured god is still here. When it’s repeated the baby begins to be complicit in the actions. Knowing god hasn’t really left but taking part in the simulation. A baby’s first giggle comes from them taking their worst fear and controlling it, getting one up on it, laughing at it.

‘You cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time. The devil cannot stand mockery.’
– Stephen Colbert with help from C.S. Lewis

Trump is slang for fart.
Blog image

Dog is God Shitstuff that fell out

Posted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:08:47

God is infinite. Nothing can exist outside the infinite. Therefore god is you and you are god. Also god is curtains, an electricians hubris and dog shit. Therefore you are dog shit. Amen.