stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:26:49
The end of term party in junior school was sullied when the fat kid ate
all the ham sandwiches that were meant to be for the whole class. Greed
made him force them down, physiology forced them back up. I cannot
explain what force gripped him to commence his next action. As The half
chewed, slightly digested mess covered the floor he began to pick the
pieces of ham out of his sick and eat them again.
In the late 1980s, Carter USM was quoted as saying ‘pop culture will eat
itself’. Now we must update and amend by saying ‘Pop culture will eat
itself, throw up, then eat its own sick.’
And thats my review of The film ‘Ready Player One’
Its a Fat kid eating his own vomit.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:24:58
It’s not a fucking Gilet, it’s a fucking body warmer. You live in a council house, not in 19th century France.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:22:55
Watching football to me is very much like watching a gay gang bang. I
recognise and appreciate the physical exertion, I am happy for the
shared joy of all involved but I have no wish to see it progress,
hear about the outcome or have Gary Liniker disect the play from a studio after.
I’m off for a long rough friction handshandy off a ladyboy until football season is over.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:18:43
In my quest to fulfil my narcissistic needs I have taken to chaos/pop
magic. Basically I have tried to summon Elvis and the Scorpion Gods
(best name for a band there is if anyone wants it) to lavish my life
with the luxuries I think I deserve. Its not going great. But I do get
to invoke them by the power of wanking, so it’s a belief system and a
hobby (hey, and you can drop your snooty attitude too, praying to a 2000
year old buoyant, party catering superhero is just as fucking stupid).
On my readings I came across (literally) a baddie named Ahriman- he who
lives upon lies; he is a spirit of untruth, the ‘Father of lies’. He’s
like Satan, supersized. He wants us all to concentrate our energies in
‘the real’ world where bills and toothache and plastic shapes rule. He’s
trying to stop us connecting to that one great consciousness, he wants
us all to ignore the truth that ‘god’ is us and we can chose what
reality is if we just see each other on a spiritual level for the divine
deities we all are. Yeah he hates us doing that. He’s a bit of a prick
really. But to counter that he does say, stop thinking too deep about
weird crap, have an ice-cream and watch wrestling. And it is Friday so
fuck it, I’m getting a Cornetto and watching Smackdown
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:16:03
Doing sequential art sessions with teenage delinquents always went the
same way. Using comic books and sketching with them to try to get them
interested in drawing, narrative and storytelling could only hold them
for so long before they inevitably asked me to ‘draw a ganja leaf,
It was an inescapable fate. Showing the little scumbags some of the
greatest art work on the planet (and my own) was just not cool enough
for the 14 year old shoplifting gangbanging goonies.
Being a narcissist and artist, of course I would draw the ganja leaf for them.
As an artist I only live for approval and praise from others. And I got
more ‘that’s proper, bruv’ s by doing a 30 second sketch than I did from
showing them my entire portfolio (justifiably most would say).
Basically, talent, dedication, storytelling, beauty and striving to
create something worthwhile was secondary to a shitty half remembered
teen-rebellious 'sick' doodle.
And that’s what the Suicide Squad motion picture reminded me of.
Now I liked the film. It was fun, and colourful and fast and
explosion-y. It was popcorn pretty. Very hard to hate anything in it. Go
See it. I recommend it. Genuinely.
It just felt like it was pitched to a group of teenagers in grey tracksuit trousers and then changed to fit their feedback.
A film that worked along the lines of ‘and then this happens and then
this happened and then this happens and then this happens.’ When writing
for the teenage wasteland you apparently have to lose the subtlety. And
apparently the original Joker design was a bit too restrained. His
bleached skin, green hair, purple suit and psychopathic murderous
actions aren't enough to convey to the audience his utter depraved
madness. Yeah, his original comic book look was a bit wacky but young
movie audiences need the wackiness spelled out on the characters face.
Literally. Having a tattoo that says ‘im fucking crazy’ on his forehead
or something equally as overtly lazy is what the audience now need.
It does seem like I’m moaning about this movie but I’m not. Genuine. I
liked it. It was lazy but so am I. I’m sat here with no pants on,
covered in my own shit and semen as I couldn’t be bothered to find my
trousers, wank rag (brutalised sock) or wipe before I left the house.
The other people in the Library seem like they cant be arsed to make a
fuss about it so its of no matter. See we are all lazy.
The makers of Suicide Squad knew we are lazy and knew we didn’t need to
see an entire film, just one scene repeated over and over.
Here is that scene
- ‘I hate you all. You are a load of rubbish. But also the government is a bit poo. You guys are ok.’
- ‘I’m Will Smith from some of my serious movies but I’m also Will Smith
from some of my funny movies to, so I will be delivering lines in two
half’s. A serious tough guy dark line with a joke at the end. Think,
Bagger Vance of Bel-Air. Also I’m not going to wear this mask, yes I
know it’s the only thing that makes this character design interesting
but I’m Will Smiths so here is my Will Smith face. Serious Tough guy
line, levity. Also relate to me as I have a nice kid in this and as we
all know spunking out a baby makes you a great person. There is no such
thing as a shitty parent. Grim line, flippancy.’
- ‘My personality is of a highly sexed 8 year old that you want to fuck.
Also something about Mr J. Wacky talk. Sexy talk. Mr J again. Wanna see
my arsehole? ‘
- ‘Gooday mate, I’m the comedy foil. Wanna see me throw a boomerang?
Neither did the production company, so I only threw 3. I really want to
get away. I’m off. Back now, for no reason.’
- ‘And I’m a crocodile.’
Gun play. Big explosion. Repeat scene until you fill 2 hours. Bigger explosion. The end.
That’s basically it.
I liked it. Genuine. I really did. Genuine. I’m not kidding. I don’t
know how I can make my typing sound less sarcastic in your head.
I enjoyed the Suicide Squad film.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:13:19
January gets a bad rap. It’s the most hated month. Bad weather, back to
work, dark days and darker nights. But think of it this way. January
didn’t put your dog down. You did that. You killed your dog.
See, now January doesn’t seem as bad. No need to thank me.
Your dog is dead.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:11:03
I’m all about synchronicity. Heard something interesting today which turns out is very timely.
Your first laugh comes from playing peekaboo. It’s been theorised that
as a baby your biggest fear is having your mother, which is your god,
abandon you. Babies cry in the absence of god and are comforted in their
return. In peekaboo the mother hides their face, causing an involuntary
response of shock/horror in the babies mind. Her face has gone from
sight but reappears with a smile and a funny noise. The baby has been
reassured god is still here. When it’s repeated the baby begins to be
complicit in the actions. Knowing god hasn’t really left but taking part
in the simulation. A baby’s first giggle comes from them taking their
worst fear and controlling it, getting one up on it, laughing at it.
‘You cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time. The devil cannot stand mockery.’
– Stephen Colbert with help from C.S. Lewis
Trump is slang for fart.
stuff that fell outPosted by Ned Salamander Mon, March 18, 2019 21:08:47
God is infinite. Nothing can exist outside the infinite. Therefore god
is you and you are god. Also god is curtains, an electricians hubris and
dog shit. Therefore you are dog shit. Amen.